Coping with depression



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Depression is a difficult thing to talk about and I admit its not exactly the first thing I tell someone about myself. I think this is the third time I've started writing this post and I've always chickened out of publishing as I find it hard to put into words. Depression is much more than just feeling down. I compare it to a very dark cloud hanging over your head and your shoulders. It weighs you down and you can't shake it off.

To give you a bit of a backstory, I started with panic attacks when I was 18 (I'm now almost 29). When I had a panic attack, I felt like I was going to pass out. I couldn't breathe properly, I felt sick and my heart was racing. I went to the doctor and got prescribed beta blockers which helped but I still felt anxious and constantly looking for the exit wherever I went so I could run outside if I felt panicky.

I stayed on the medication for a while but I got side effects. My body felt so heavy like lead all the time and I felt drained. I started Uni but eventually withdrew because of the anxiety.
I eventually became very withdrawn and wouldn't leave the house unless I absolutely had to. I felt low, teary, my appetite and sleeping patterns were all over the place. I just felt at rock bottom and really lonely. I didn't understand what was happening and to be honest I felt slightly ashamed that I felt so low when I had no real reason too - I have a lovely family and friends and people go through so much worse shit than I could ever understand. 

I went to the doctors and was diagnosed with depression. I got prescribed anti-depressants (citalopram- which I still take). I was offered the chance to talk with someone but I declined as its not something I felt comfortable with at the time.
 Initially, I had one or two side effects from the medication. I felt nauseous and at times felt almost like a zombie - a 'numb' feeling is how I would describe it.  Nevertheless, I carried on with the medication and started feeling better within a few months.

I had another period about two years ago where I started feeling really down again and my dosage of medication was increased.
I started feeling calmer and 'alive' again.

I wanted to write this post, not only as a reminder to myself but to show that life can get better.

Its really only in the last few months that I've really started feeling like I used to. (I'm not going to say normal as I dislike that word - who knows what exactly 'normal' is anyway).

In the last two years my nephew was born and my grandad passed away. It made me sit up and realise how precious life is. Yes, I still have bad days, I'm still on medication but depression is a mountain I'm conquering (sounds cheesy I know).

Life is so short. I dont want to sit back and let it pass me by and think about all the things I could have done.

I want to start living life to the full.

No matter how bad things seem ~ life does get better!



17 comments

  1. Such an inspireing post.
    My Mama has suffered with depression since I was 6 (I'm now 22) Its a terrible thing to go though. I'm glad you;re feeling alot more positive :) & continue to feel better doll.

    Kerys xx

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  2. Well bloody done on writing this. Firstly you look so young, didn't think you was that old (young). Anyway I liked reading this, it gave me an insight into the person behind the blog yet I feel so saddened too that another person can feel like this. I guess blogging takes your mind off things and is your space to talk about whatever. Every day is different and we all have our ups and downs. I've been depressed but pinpointed the problem, and he's now out of my life its safe to say. I've never looked back and had no panic attacks since either. I hope you keep feeling more yourself and if you ever need a chat I'm here :-) essay comment sorry! Xx

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    1. thanks paula!I always get told I look younger than I am lol xx

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  3. I knew I had to follow this blog for something. :) I also suffer from depression. It's really hard sometimes, but I've gotten so much better than I was in high school. I am just so blessed to be marrying a man who will do anything to make sure I'm happy. I believe in you! You can push past depression! <3

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    1. Thanks Kaylee!Glad you are feeling better xx

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  4. Thanks for such an honest post. It's seriously brave to put yourself out there in the blogging world but I can really relate to what you're saying... I'm prone to anxiety too and it helps to know that others go through the same things!

    Ellie @ Ellalogy 

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  5. Thank you very much for sharing this. It was really courageous of you and I can totally relate!

    Erica
    abundanceoferica.blogspot.ca

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  6. Well done you for posting that! Depression is horrible (I suffer myself) and trying to explain it to someone who has never experienced it is almost impossible. I liken having depression to your shadow, sometimes it is behind you and you can function relatively 'normally' other times it is right beside you, you are aware of it but you try not to let it get ahead of you and at other times there it is slap bang right in front of you and it is like walking through treacle.

    blushingpeonies.blogspot.com

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    1. thanks kay!hope you start to feel better soon xx

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  7. I'm 5 years older than you and looking at your picture i thought i was at least a decade older!
    My illness started when my nr 7 yr old son was born. I feel guilty every day although i'm no longer using any medication. Without talking about things with other people who had suffered in a similar way i wouldn't be here today and i fear that my children might not be here also. Some of those people are now the closest friends i could ever wish to have.
    I don't want anyone to ever think they are alone of helpless like i did.

    btw, i've only ever had one panic attack in my life before. It was my first day in a new job as a young teenager. No one helped me and i was left to wander around the maze of a large department store rooms hyperventilating whilst managers and other employees looked at me like i was an animal. I swiftly wandered out of the door and never went back. Massive empathy from me x

    Jules x

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    1. Thanks for sharing your story Jules - its brave of you to do so. xx

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  8. Citalopram was my saviour, with out it I truthfully don't know if I would be here today - It took nearly 6 years to find a Dr who really wanted to help me and listen. She started me on Citalopram and I felt better within months, I'vebeen on it for nearly 2 years now with only 2-3 relapses, I'm gradually comig off of it and should be off of it by the end of next year if all goes to plan xxxxxx

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  9. thanks for sharing hun - I'm hoping to come off the medication at some point xx

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  10. Thank you so much for sharing this post. Really helpful. My best of luck to you in beating this, try to stay positive <3

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Thank you so much for reading!I read every comment and try to respond.If you have a question you can also email me or tweet me @sweetelectric xoxo